My Personal Blog – My journey to find Me
18 Months into my diet …
Sadly I hit that brick wall that I was dreading, as you read in the last blog I just managed to get my 7 stone certificate. Well, I might as well hand that back in as I really don’t deserve it. I’ve put a stone back on, sometimes attending diet class and sometimes missing it, but now after attending, I was in the queue at the chippy getting that fish and chips I would always smell. Previously I walked past, but NOT now!
I don’t want to give in but I’m simply not getting anywhere!
Yes, I lost quite a lot of weight, but I still wasn’t where I wanted to be. I lived in fear of going back to where I had been! I knocked on Justin’s door, he greeted me in, I was so nervous, should I be here? Should I re-live what I went through?
Was I about to make a massive mistake?
“Come on in Natasha, follow me through to my room”. It was a general chit chat for a while, I felt quite relaxed at this point until he said “come on tell me why you’re here “
SHIT my heart raced a thousand beats, my mouth was wide open for what felt like ages! “Where do I start Justin”
“Natasha start where ever you feel comfortable”
Here it goes…
At a mere 6 yrs old I was the victim of sexual abuse. I had only shared this awful secret with my husband and a few close friends. For 20 years I have lived with what felt like a nightmare at times, WHY didn’t I tell a teacher, WHY had they not listened to the little things I was saying? The warning signs surely must have been there? Had he done this to anyone else? Could I have stopped it from happening to someone else?
This felt like it was this the right time to share my secret with someone, someone that could maybe help me. I was always asking myself did this have anything to do with my weight? Yes, in my opinion, it did, as I felt comfort in food. When I was upset I wanted food, when I was angry I wanted food. Strange to say but I felt like I had a relationship with food!
I talked and talked to Justin, that session felt like hours, but it was only 45 minutes. He booked me back in the following week for my next session. He felt that I needed 2 sessions a week, he said there was so much inside me and that it would take time for me to deal with it all.
I thanked him and walked over to my car. I felt my legs wouldn’t get me to it, I had never felt so drained in all my life. I finally got into my car and I just sat there and cried. It felt like I had just done a 15-hour shift at work, my whole body just ached with tension and hurt.
I was nervous that I opened a can of worms, where would this lead to?
What did I want from this? After all, it had been sitting there in this box at the back of my mind for decades, and apart from my weight issue, life was pretty ok, I had the most lovely family and friends.
I went to diet class the following Tuesday even though throughout the day I told myself not to bother. One minute I was convincing myself I needed to go, the next I was having an argument with myself not to. One good point was at least I hadn’t put any weight on, I had stayed the same.
I cannot let my past destroy all my hard work I really need to beat this…
My next appointment with Justin was tomorrow…
Read my previous blogs here: http://www.mamalifemagazine.co.uk/category/blog/