HRT – Honest Real Truth
Back to “Normal” Dating? Let’s Get Real.
I’m thinking of setting up a little business that would save all us singletons the trouble of using any other dating site, ever again. See, I know lockdown has been rough, but if I’m honest, I’ve enjoyed the freedom from dating. Oh, I know some people have carried on and been on Zoom dates, but that’s not for me. If someone’s on a date with me wearing nothing from the waist down, I want to be able to see, in the flesh.
My dating site will have a key difference that sets it apart from all the others. On my Honest Real Truth dating site, you have to agree to absolute honesty from the outset. No lies, not even little white ones where you embellish the truth to make yourself sound more interesting.
For years I’d go on dates and tell people I had a gold medal for disco dancing. This is a good date fact because it’s a) amusing and b) kind of impressive. (You’ve seen Saturday Night Fever, you know you wish you could move like Travolta. Don’t pretend otherwise.) What I don’t say is that I won the medal in 1982. When I was eleven. But it was a little lie that worked really well. (That, and pretending not to understand the off-side rule. Idiocy, albeit faked, seemed to make me more desirable. Go figure.)
Then one night I was doing my “gold medal for disco dancing” thing, and the guy says, “Oh wow, you must know Gary Jones (I can’t remember his actual name) then! I went to uni with him; he was the UK disco dancing champion, too!” There was nowhere for me to hide, really. I decided the best thing was simply to drink a few more strong gins and bust some moves to Disco Inferno.
He popped out for a cigarette and I never saw him again. Hope he was okay.
My point is, honesty is the best policy. Especially at my age, I don’t have the time to waste. And I mean genuine, one hundred per cent, full-on, lunatic honesty. For example,
“Hi. My name’s Jules. I get bored in relationships if I don’t have all of your attention all of the time. If you go to the shop and ask me if I want anything and I answer, “No”, and you actually don’t bring me anything back, I will kick off. You’ve got a couple of little kids? Great. I never want to meet them. If you leave your phone lying around, I will go through it. I will stalk your Facebook page and ask about every female on it who has a nice profile picture. My boobs are fake. They do look great, yes, thank you, but one of them feels soft and natural whilst the other feels like you’re groping a hard, plastic Barbie boob. I call them Ronnie and Reggie. Where are you going? Don’t leave! I’m just being myself!”
I can see my Honest Real Truth dating idea might not be for everyone, but isn’t it better than waiting two or three months and discovering that following them into the bathroom makes you heave because it’s as though they’ve just burst a major sewage pipe and it takes several cans of Neutradol and a canary in a cage just to make it feel safe?
That’s another thing. Farting. I’ve never farted in front of a man. Not ever. I think it’s the most unsexy thing a person can do. And yet, all the couples I know seem to be at it all the time! They laugh about it, as though it’s completely normal! Is this what I’m missing? Is this what ultimately keeps a relationship together?
Maybe that’s something else to add to my Honest Real Truth dating experience. I’ll just stand in front of some poor bloke on a first date and try to force a fart. Of course, if he is The One, it should happen perfectly naturally. If I can’t let one rip, or if something worse accidentally happens, it’s time to move on to the next one. Although I should probably go home and change first.
So until my HRT dating idea takes off, for now at least, I’ve decided to stay alone. I’m sure once everyone else is out there getting theirs, I shall start to feel the FOMO and get back to swiping. But right now I’m happy in my pyjamas, twenty pounds heavier than I was before lockdown started, and drinking way too much wine. (I did get excited by a fad diet
I recently discovered that was promoted by Vogue in the seventies: The Egg and Wine Diet. It promises extreme weight loss as it’s essentially six eggs and a bottle of wine a day. Then I realised that could kill me – cutting down to one bottle a day just like that.
Maybe I should just put myself out there and start dancing off some of this weight.
Funnily enough, did I ever tell you I have a gold medal for disco dancing…?
Jules O’Brian is a stand-up comedian who hosts the monthly Comedy at Christopher’s night at Christopher’s Restaurant in Tamworth…and can’t wait for it to be able to come back!