My entire world changed when I left my job three years ago. I had spent the last 15 years in media in a job that I love but it was all-consuming and I always felt like I was constantly running all the time, no time to breathe; I went from home to the gym, then to work, then train home, whilst working and then home straight into family time with my two-year-old and then almost ran to bed. And it all started again; I was on the hamster wheel and whenever I stopped, I hated it, I never really knew what it felt like to just STOP. It just felt uncomfortable.
So, the real turning point for me came when one of my best friends was diagnosed with cancer. I had lost many people in my life before that but this was a real shock; it was so close to home and made me realise how much your life can change in an instant…your whole world completely turned upside down.
I asked myself, “Am I living the life of my dreams?” and I knew I wasn’t. I always wanted the big career; I thought I loved living my life to the full where I never stopped but inside, I never felt settled. When my little one came along, it never felt the same. I didn’t get the same buzz out of my job and I just knew that I was coasting along and would always be searching for the next thing, always running from one thing to the next. Something had to change or I would never get off the hamster wheel of craziness. I also had this real inner knowing that there was something more, I just had no idea what that was. So, when I stopped, that’s when my whole world changed.
I remember the first week, I was like a lost soul. My little one was at nursery and I had given myself a month off work as I felt like I needed time and space to transition from my old life into the new, time to just be and to see what opportunities came my way. I know now that you have to create space if you want things to change otherwise there is no room for the new things to fit in.
One day, I was in a coffee shop flicking through a magazine and thinking, what am I going to do with myself and then I saw an advert to learn how to meditate. I made the call then and signed up to a five-day 1-2-1 course the next day. I had no idea what impact that was going to have in my life. For the first time, I was in long periods of silence, well 20 minutes twice a day but it felt forever from someone that never had silence in her life.
Whilst in meditation, I started to have wild visions where I was acting out sexual fantasies, having sexual encounters with others. I remember saying to my teacher, is this normal? What is going on? She told me just to be with it and it would all become clear. It was all happening for a reason, I just never had any idea what was going to happen next.
Shortly after, I joined the Energy Alignment Method. This was a 10-month journey and it was the first time I had ever invested in me. I was always doing things for others because it’s what I love, I never really considered me.
I had a lot of emotions inside that I had never really expressed. On the first weekend, we did a vision meditation and at the end of the vision, everyone was frantically writing down what they saw. I was annoyed as I said I saw nothing. Well, I saw a little girl lost in the woods and trying to find her way.
The truth is I have always been two people, one side of me is Kerry, mum, holistic therapist but I also have this wild sexual goddess side that has always been there but was starting to surface again. I was having so many wild daydreams and thoughts about all my desires and I wanted to experience everything now; it was like a breath of fresh air, an opportunity to embrace who I really was. I have always suppressed it in the past but it was telling me something and I just knew it was time to listen to it and wow what a journey I have been on.
As the months went on, I remembered times in my life when I was taken advantage of. I had never told a soul about any of this and it had been suppressed in my memory for all these years. My way of dealing with it was keeping myself busy, other people were my focus. I worked hard, played hard, I never stopped because when I did, I felt uncomfortable.
Growing up, this happened to me at various ages. I was raped when I was 17, at the time, feeling powerless and so low in self-worth that I didn’t dream of telling anyone as no one would believe me. Another thing buried and I never realised how much all these things had affected me until now. But when I look back, I realise that sex was just a function for me, I had never self-pleasured and until I was married, I had never had an orgasm. I had slept with a lot of men before then – just totally disconnected. Everything makes so much sense now as I had been so disconnected with myself so how could I possibly connect with someone else.
My journey of self-development helped to find the real me and most importantly love the person I’ve found. I have set myself free from the trauma I experienced. I now know that the little girl in the woods that day was me, as I had been lost in my childhood all my adult life without knowing it at all. I had protected myself to the point of being numb and never allowed myself to receive love, especially from myself.
One of my friends recommended I go and see a Tantra practitioner. I had never heard of Tantra before although nervous, I knew it was the next part of my journey.
Tantra is an ancient spiritual practice that originated from India and means to weave and expand. Tantra massage has become a popular way to explore sexuality. For me, it’s about love, intimacy and connection which firstly starts with you and how connected you are spiritually, physically and energetically. By awakening our sexual energy, we are able to heal ourselves from past trauma, release tension in our body and deepen the relationship with ourselves and our loved ones.
I had been with my boyfriend for 9 years and it had been a journey for him too, to find out my past and that I wanted to explore this path more. I found someone that did Tantra sessions in London and he said he would book an Airbnb place for the four-hour experience. That scared me a little but the address was supplied beforehand so it felt safe and that was so important to me.
When I arrived, the studio flat was alight with beautiful candles and smelt gorgeous; there were soft blankets and it looked like the perfect setting for the amazing sensual experience that followed.
The session started with a detailed chat; we talked about why I was there, what were my intentions for the sessions and most importantly how I was feeling and what were my boundaries for the session. I then had a lovely warm shower and changed into my sarong and we started with some non-touch connection exercises which includes eye gazing and breath work followed by a number of full-body massages including my intimate areas. Each time, I was asked did I give permission for this area to be touched and at any point if I felt uncomfortable, I just communicated that. It is so important as we can change how we think or feel in any given moment and part of being free, it is giving yourself permission to honour your needs, knowing that they can change
I had never experienced anything like this before and although it was sensual, I was completely in the role of the receiver, there was no obligation for me to give back so I could really allow myself to completely surrender to receiving love. I don’t think I had ever really received love with ease and here I was embracing all of me, all of my body. I physically released trauma in my body that I experienced all those years ago, I screamed, I cried and I let go, it was mind-blowing.
I knew from that day that I had found my path and went on to train as a Tantra Massage Practitioner and have spent the last two years continuing that journey, releasing more trauma and exploring my mind, body and sexuality. I feel awakened, I feel like I am free from my past and it still amazes me that I never even realised I was holding on to this for over 20 years.
I now spend my days doing what I love, empowering women how to connect and awaken the goddess within them. I run a goddess awakening 12-week journey, to connect to your inner beauty, learning to embrace all you are and allowing more love and pleasure into your life. My Tantra awakening experiences for women and couples are truly magical and include tantric rituals, connection rituals, body balancing and sensual touch to nurture and awaken your body and release any tension that is holding you back from connecting to your true inner being. I think every being on the planet should experience sacred tantric touch to set them free from anything standing in the way of them reaching their full potential in life and love.
Goddess awakening journey – next course starts Jan 2020.